Ending a Relationship with Honesty and Civility
Note to self: Water the plants. Take out the trash. Walk the dog. Break up with significant other.
Okay, while ending a relationship is hardly at the top of anybodys daily calendar, the fact is that when a relationship has gone sour, someone has to make the move to end it. The truth is that many relationships last long beyond the expire by date just because breaking up is hard to do.
Breakups shouldn’t have to end up in dramatic fashion with clothing being thrown out the second story window. Nor should a relationship just peter out until it winds its way down to nothing. If you want to initiate the break up, how can you do it so neither party gets hurt?
Once it is clear in your mind you want to break up, make certain you understand why. Give this some serious thought. Sometimes you might think the reason is actually just a symptom of the real reason. Give this some meditation. When you have determined the real reason, talk to your partner honestly. Do not assign blame. You must be honest to your partner and to yourself.
Unless you are in a long distance relationship, schedule time to be together to have this discussion. If long distance does separate you and you can’t get together in the near future, this may have to be done on the phone. It is better sooner than to postpone it. This discussion should be respectful and you should dignify your partner by having it in person whenever possible. It should never be in an e-mail or a text message. Not only would that be undignified, it would be cruel.
Get into a state of compassion when ending the relationship. If you want to stay friends after the break up, you need to conclude the romantic ties with love and compassion. Dont put your partner on the defensive. Talk about the things youve learned and the memories you will cherish. Be present during the break up. Your partner may become very emotional during this time. You need to respond to their needs.
Things may be said by your partner that are meant to hurt you. Do not take them personally. Your partner doesn’t really mean them — it is an emotional response. Let these words roll off your back. Your partner may need to meet with you more than once to be able to accept the break up. Or they might need space. Give your ex what they need. This is a transition time and different responses by different people are to be expected.
Making you feel guilty may become the aim of your ex, but avoid this feeling. You are about to start a new chapter in your life and it no longer includes a romantic relationship with your ex. It is good to maintain a positive relationship of some sort, but if you ended the relationship for honest reasons, it is in both your best interests.
Should you ever consider reconnecting? Does ending a relationship always mean the end, close the book? That is something you have to decide. Virtually all relationships can be saved if certain conditions are met. If you have the time and are willing to make the effort, you can get through this period as an even stronger couple. However, if you are determined to walk away, its best to end a relationship with a clean break and move on.