The trauma of a breakup is never an easy thing to put up with. There are times when everything you do seems to shove him farther away, and where you’re at your wits end trying to figure out something, anything you can do. Here are some proven techniques to get you over this hurdle.

You find yourself calling. Or IMing, or text messaging. You wonder if he thinks about you at all, and then you start to pity yourself. Maybe you want to make him feel sorry for you, or to take you back and make it all right. Maybe some desperate part of you wishes it would all magically get better, or wishes there were something you could do to bring him back.

Well, stop it. You deserve better than that. If you’re obsessing about getting him back, we’ve got news for you. It ain’t gonna happen. He dumped your sorry butt for a reason, and being mopey about it isn’t going to fix the problem. For that matter, trying to make him pity you is the single best way to make sure that he leaves your life, at high speed, and never ever looks back.

Focus on this strategy to get what you want. Start with a fresh approach. Break contact for a while, and do your own thing. Have your own life. Remember, a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle; you had a life before he was part of it, you’ll have a life now. Focus on doing things that validate you, and make you feel good about yourself. Call your buddies, and go out and do stuff. Nothing was ever solved by sitting at home and moping.

Now, there’s a time for introspection. But this isn’t it – you want your ex to wonder how you’re doing because he isn’t hearing from you. You want him to check in on you of his own volition – and when he does, you want to be fun and energetic, so that he’s reminded of what he’s missing out on.

Your strategy should be based on human nature. If you’re smothering him, he’ll run away. If you’re interesting, he’ll come back. So make yourself interesting and get on with your life.

The main thing you can do to get your ex boyfriend back is to be yourself. If you’re obsessing over it, you’re doing it wrong, and you’re only making matters worse. Establish your space, your boundaries and your own worth as a person rather than as half of a couple.

The other major benefit of repairing your relationship by making your own life your own focus is that it stabilizes you if he doesn’t come back. Yeah, we’ve all known people who seem to have no lives – maybe they go home and pet the cat and watch soap operas or something; some are shell shocked from having had a relationship explode on them. Some just decide the whole game isn’t worth it – and these are both realistic appraisalsbut your best odds of getting your ex back have nothing to do with him, and everything to do with you and your self esteem and valuation.